Thursday, January 22, 2009

Your turn.

Looks like I'm not the only one filled with silent, seething, festering rage. Turns out people dug my letters post yesterday. And most of them are way wittier (more witty?) than I am. So I threw open the gates and asked them to compose their own anonymous missives.

Here's the result.

What would you write? Type away in the comments!

Dear Facebook Friend From High School,

Although we have not spoken since graduation day two decades ago, I'm so happy that you asked me to be your friend on Facebook.

Trust me, your profile photo (featuring one of a surprising number of children you've had since we last talked) brought back lots of memories I imagine I would have had we actually been friends in high school.

I'll look forward to random updates in the future indicating that you are bored or watching "Lost." And I'll also enjoy untagging myself from photos you have of groups of acne-faced children in 9th grade.

All the best,

P.S. While I appreciate the thought, I will not be accepting your friend suggestion. That guy was a total dick to me.

From The Modern Gal:

Dear Knoxville Utilities Board,

Here's my payment. Can I offer you my second-born child too?

1173 Hillcrest Dr.

From CurrerBell:

Dear Pedestrian Dressed in Dark Clothing While Crossing the Street at Night:

I realize finding crosswalks can be very difficult. It would be nice if the city would paint some sort of pattern on them to indicate that particular location is the designated place to cross a street. In fact, wouldn't it be nice if the city installed some kind of lighted signal that would let you know when it's time for you to saunter out into an intersection?

I know walking can be very difficult, what with the giant pants you have to hold up with your hand because your belt is just not strong enough to keep your britches from falling to your ankles. And I realize that it's often difficult to see cars approaching, particularly at night. You would think auto companies would install some kind of light in the front of cars to help warn you of their approach.

Thanks for keeping me completely alert as I drive through Atlanta's streets at night. I always wanted to have a heart attack/panic attack/mental meltdown while navigating a car.


Dear investment bankers who caused the credit crisis,

Fuck you.

No love,

Dear Landlady:

Thanks so much for kicking us out of our house because you want to
jack up the rent by $1,100.

I hope the three college guys who will occupy the house come August
will tear it up beyond recognition with their wild parties.

Because, everybody knows college kids take better care of a house than
a young married couple.

I bet those guys will not swiffer the hard wood floors, nor clean the
granite counter tops with that special cleaner.

You suck royally, Frances.

P.S. I really enjoyed your skanky daughter leaving cigarette butts in
my toilet after she showed the house a couple of weeks ago. That's one
classy lady you have there.

**The opinions expressed above are not necessarily those of Patches & Paws. She just thinks they're funny as shit.**