I wrestled with posting this tonight. In the end, I opted to do it, figuring that putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) might be the only way I'd have a chance at feeling better.
At issue? I wasn't a good person this week.
I don't want to rehash what happened. And not many people might even be aware of what has me so glum. But, as I close out the week, I'm know that I'm not entirely proud of myself and my actions. Before you freak out, it wasn't anything major. I didn't commit a crime. I didn't violate any ethical workplace policy. And I certainly didn't kick any homeless puppies. My self-grievance? I gossiped too much. And I don't feel good about it. Not one bit.
I don't like the person I was this week. Layoffs were afoot at work and aside from that, my stress level was about as high as it's ever been _ without the added factor of worrying about my own job and seeing coworkers go. That's not an excuse. I shouldn't have used it as one. I'm a better person than that.
My life has been changing in pretty dramatic fashion these past few years. I can't entirely explain why, or how (which, incidentally, annoys me to absolutely no end), but I can't help feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Of something bigger. Of something powerful. Of being a better person. Of finding something I didn't know I was even looking for. Of just being more than I am. It's amazing and terrifying, awesome and truly inspiring. It's also why I think this week and my bitchy gossiping is bothering me so much.
I want to be a person who does good. Who helps others. Who makes people's world a better place. Who builds them up. Who supports them. Who makes them *want* to be better, which by extension turns me into a better person too.
I wasn't that way this week. That sucks. And for that, I'm very, very sorry.
I can't change the past. I can only control the future. So here's to doing better next time.
Image via ivory.butterflies.