Thursday, November 19, 2009

Introspection and a public apology.

I wrestled with posting this tonight. In the end, I opted to do it, figuring that putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard in this case) might be the only way I'd have a chance at feeling better.

At issue? I wasn't a good person this week.

I don't want to rehash what happened. And not many people might even be aware of what has me so glum. But, as I close out the week, I'm know that I'm not entirely proud of myself and my actions. Before you freak out, it wasn't anything major. I didn't commit a crime. I didn't violate any ethical workplace policy. And I certainly didn't kick any homeless puppies. My self-grievance? I gossiped too much. And I don't feel good about it. Not one bit.

I don't like the person I was this week. Layoffs were afoot at work and aside from that, my stress level was about as high as it's ever been _ without the added factor of worrying about my own job and seeing coworkers go. That's not an excuse. I shouldn't have used it as one. I'm a better person than that.

My life has been changing in pretty dramatic fashion these past few years. I can't entirely explain why, or how (which, incidentally, annoys me to absolutely no end), but I can't help feel like I'm on the cusp of something. Of something bigger. Of something powerful. Of being a better person. Of finding something I didn't know I was even looking for. Of just being more than I am. It's amazing and terrifying, awesome and truly inspiring. It's also why I think this week and my bitchy gossiping is bothering me so much.

I want to be a person who does good. Who helps others. Who makes people's world a better place. Who builds them up. Who supports them. Who makes them *want* to be better, which by extension turns me into a better person too.

I wasn't that way this week. That sucks. And for that, I'm very, very sorry.

I can't change the past. I can only control the future. So here's to doing better next time.

Image via ivory.butterflies.


The Modern Gal said...

Don't feel that bad. It's been a tough week, and we all had to process it somehow. You're a good person for recognizing gossip can be damaging, so be proud of that.

You are an amazing person, and while you may be on the cusp of something bit, you already are something big (and please don't take that to be a size reference, I just can't figure out how else to say what I'm trying to say.)

Here's to a better day today :)

Ginny said...

You sound like Oprah. =)