Maytastic! Except at the dermatologist.

Leaves are returning to trees, flowers are blooming and my poor friend Emily has scarred retinas after catching an overly hairy dude with stretch marks jogging shirtless on a 60-degree day.

Yep, it's springtime here in Chicago, that lovely almost-temperate time when Chicagoans start ditching clothing at inappropriate temperatures and find really bad excuses to end meetings early so they can make it to an afternoon game at Wrigley. (There is, after all, a reason why Ferris Bueller was from Chicago ... I'm just saying. No one parties that much in warm weather unless the winter really, really, really, really, really sucks balls.)

But, as usual, I digress.

In addition to it actually _ typically _ finally beginning to feel like spring, May kicks ass because it's my birthday. (May 17, in case you've forgotten to mark your calendar...) I'm a consummate only child and so I don't believe a birthday should be restricted to an actual, you know, day. And even a birthday week is kind of lame. Nope. I believe in a BIRTHDAY MONTH.

The revelry got off to an early start, since I got my first birthday present, from Currer Bell, two weeks ago in the mail. But, because I am an idiot, I foolishly swore not to open it until my birthday and also swore on the Mutt Dog that I wouldn't Google the return address, either. So it's sitting, untouched, still in the box. Mocking me.

But my excitement got a swift shin-kick today when I opened my mailbox and got my first birthday card of the season. Sure, it's from the dermatologist. But hey, anyone is welcome on the Noodles Birthday Bandwagon. So, I tore open the envelope, honest to God, nearly choked.

"As our loyal patient, please accept this birthday gift of a reduced-price skin treatment ....Your glycolic treatment for $40 can help you achieve brighter, more youthful looking skin. This treatment, normally $105, improves clarity and may provide a more even skin tone."

Excuse me? Brighter, more youthful looking skin? YOUTHFUL? Are you jerkfaces serious?! I'm 28! I refuse to accept the fact that there will be gravity and wrinkles and grayness in my future. Nope. This peaches-and-cream Irish complexion is perfectly happy WITHOUT your stupid rejuvenating treatment _ 62 percent discount or not.

So there! Assholes.